Diet Tips from Ray Collins

HOME IN MY HUMBLE OPINION Okie White FEATURED COLUMNIST Ray Collins FICTION Ron Samuel, Michael Paper, The Big Poo Generator, Vasilis Adams A. QUOTES REJECTION SLIPS LIFE IN MENDACITY THE GALLERY E-MAIL THE EDITOR

DIET TIPS AND GUIDELINES 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Like: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.