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WORDS FROM WOMEN “Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth”. ---Erma Bombeck “I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” --- Gloria Steinem “I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.” --- Rita Rudner “I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.” --- Dolly Parton “You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” --- Erica Jong “I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.” --- Roseanne “My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.” --- Rita Rudner “I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.” --- Susie Loucks This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker ?" --- Judy Tenuta “He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.” --- Carol Leifer “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” --- Gloria Steinem “I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” --- Wendy Liebman “If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.” --- Sue Grafton “I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. ”--- Roseanne “I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.” --- Dolly Parton “I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. How did my mother know THAT ? --- Wendy Liebman “I think -- therefore I'm single.” --- Lizz Winstead “When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” --- Elayne Boosler “I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.” --- Gilda Radner “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” --- Maryon Pearson “Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” --- Bella Abzug “In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” --- Margaret Thatcher “If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary.” --- Margaret Atwood “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” --- Katharine Hepburn “I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli “Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” --- Baroness Edith Summerskill “If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck ? --- Linda Ellerbee I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. --- Zsa Zsa Gabor Quotes Henry B. Adamas through will Durant No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. ...Henry B. Adams It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. ...Alfred Adler AESOP... A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety. Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything. We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified. Imitation is the sincerest form of television. ...Fred Allen Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night. ...George Allen Woody Allen... I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for talent is genius. ...Henri-Frederic Amiel Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity to be otherwise. ...Maya Angelou Anonymous Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. Drag the Jones’s down to your level. It’s cheaper. When you’re run down the best thing to take is the license number. When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing. A king’s castle is his home. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Don’t judge a book by its movie. Where subtlety fails us, we must simply make do with cream pies. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain. Hire a teenager while they still know it all. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. One good turn gets most of the blankets. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it. Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA. As easy as 3.14159265358979323846233832795028841. Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle. Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him. A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother. Sanity is a madness put to good uses. ...George Antayana Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. ...Marcel Archard Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. ...Francis Bacon It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. ...Walter Bagehot James Baldwin... Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours. Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity by definition, is unassailable. The future is like heaven - everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now. It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. ...Tallulah Bankhead Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want, the most terrifying thing is what people do want. ...Clive Barnes Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves. ...Brendan Behan Happiness is good health and a bad memory. ...Ingrid Bergman Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. ...Hector Berlioz Half this game is ninety percent mental. ...Yogi Berra The covers of this book are too far apart. ...Ambrose Bierce Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. ...Napoleon Bonaparte The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children. ...Dietrich Bonhoeffer When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. ...James H. Boren Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. ...Victor Borge It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated. ...Alec Bouche I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. ...Ashleigh Brilliant Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. ...Sam Brown Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. ...Mathew Browne Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive. ...William F. Buckley The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ...Edmund Burke When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either. ...Leo Burnett An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. ...Nicholas Murray Butler Samuel Butler... Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore. Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. Men willingly believe what they wish. ...Julius Caesar Al Capone... Vote early and vote often. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. ...Cato the Elder I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking. ...Katherine Cebrian A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. ...Miguel de Cervantes Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. ...Eleanor Chaffee The art of writing is the art of abbreviation. ...Anton Chekhov He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. ...Chinese Proverb Winston Churchill... A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. I like a man who grins when he fights. It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on. Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. A cat will look down to a man. A dog will look up to a man. But a pig will look you straight in the eye and see his equal. No sane man will dance. ...Cicero The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. ...Tom Clancy Eldridge Cleaver... You’re either part of the solution, or part of the problem. The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less. When you have nothing to say, say nothing. ...Charles Caleb Colton Confucius... I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand. Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. Cyril Connolly... Imprisoned in every fat man is a thin man wildly signaling to be let out. Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime, but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium. Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you. The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet. You shall judge a man by his foes as well as by his friends. ...Joseph Conrad Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence. ...Laurence Coughlin The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality. ...Dante Clarence Darrow... The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact a return to the idealized past. ...Robertson Davies The graveyards are full of indispensable men. ...Charles de Gaulle Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. ....William Dement Except our thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power. ...Rene Descartes We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ...Phyllis Diller Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. ...Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. ...Will Durant