THE
EXCREMENT REPORT
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IN MY HUMBLE OPINION ROkie White FEATURED COLUMNIST R Ray Collins FICTION |
I get daily updates, sometimes hourly updates on the excrement report. These reports are issued by my faithful spouse who relays the results to me at the office. He knows I’m interested because excrement has become an all-consuming passion with me. My non-working hours are scheduled around morning walks, lunch-hour walks and evening walks. I wear running shoes in the living room in order to be ready for the grab-and-dash when certain tell-tale behaviors are exhibited. I carry putrid-smelling liver treats in my pocket for excrement deposited in the proper place – and have loosened the definition of the proper place to anywhere but the house. (I’ve learned it’s not desirable to move an animal in mid-poop to the proper spot.) My ten-year-old son begged for a puppy for a year. I consistently replied "we’ll see" for over a year. I didn’t want to do the house-breaking or the clean-up involved with the accidents during the training stage. I also didn’t want a backyard that was a mine field of moist smelly deposits. But how long can a mom say "We’ll see" without looking like a politician promising a tax cut? I made him research dogs. He checked books out the library. He watched shows about dogs on TV. We found some undesirable trait with almost every breed we looked at. And I had experience with a few breeds I didn’t want to try again. (One a Dalmatian that was smarter than anybody in the family and could undo any lock on any gate. Another a boxer that killed thirty chickens and ate the ear off our tame pig – Henrietta Elizabeth – while we went to the grocery store.) But it finally happened. We were watching a show about dog breeds on TV and found one that sounded perfect for us – a Shetland Sheepdog. We went to a breeder to see her pups and one of the pups picked my son. They bonded immediately like iron to a magnet. And so I was doomed from that moment to the excrement report. Conversations with my son and my husband are preceded by the excrement report. Instead of "hello" in our house it’s "did he do it outside recently?" followed by "was it a #1 or a #2?" At the present rate of acceptable responses, I expect the report to be continued for the next week or so. It isn’t all bad though. My son has become the most popular kid in the neighborhood when the pup’s awake. I’m getting a lot of exercise. There is a greater level of communication in our house. And we’re all becoming faster on our feet. There’s nothing like an excrement report to bring a family together. |